Retrospective Contemplations

Photo by Gyra Mallari

Savor the fresh hope and embrace the hype as the New Year turn, I told myself. As I squeeze my motivations for the things to include on my obligatory year-kickstarter to-do lists, the memory of doing this very same thing last year flashed.

It was in 2016 when I started listing down a series of goals, bucketlists, and plans properly. And by properly, I meant sheets I actually keep and keep track ‘til the end of the year. Revisiting those lists rekindled the excitement I had while I was writing them a year ago. Girl, I waited one year to finally tick off these items.

Looking back on 2016, I can’t help but wonder on the grace of God.

It was indeed the year of stretching. It was tough. I am in awe with how I was enabled to go through everything. His grace coming to rescue at that crucial moment literally saved me from all sort of hazards. Lowkey miracles as you might think. With a sigh of relief, “buti na lang andyan si Lord.” Always.

I prayed for opportunities for expansion and He opened more beautiful things than I envisioned. Such sweet surprises tug at the heartstrings, never fails to let me feel high when I reminisce. While I enjoy planning ahead, most of the good things I’m very kilig about were not on my master plan. Opportunities presented themselves and I just seized the chance. I mean “why not?” It also taught me the value of pushing through: that rewards are waiting to get reaped just few steps ahead the verge of giving up.

It amazes me how much change can happen in a year. Like I’m no longer a teenager and should seriously be #adulting. I realized how big deal it was and felt overwhelmingly pressured to keep up. Nevertheless, I delighted in exploring new territories, learning life-changing perspectives, and meeting people leaving marks in our lives. Giddy feels! And there were those modified relationships, the friends we lost, and lessons we learned the hard way.

Life is so easy to swim upon when everything is going the way we wanted it to. Perhaps letting go is the hardest skill I’ve learned last year. It’s just so hard to surrender control over your life especially when things are getting messy. The tendency to do it my own way is very high and it’s self-destructive because I’m missing His plans that are always better than mine. I’m still learning the art of letting Him take over.

It’s another story to let go of personal goals, most especially the ones I loved so much. There will be times we need to let it go, not because we can’t but because we’ll grow more without it in our lives. This roots back to when we pine on things we thought necessary. We fell in love with the idea that we didn’t realize how it was holding us back from pursuing the better choice. And no, I’m not talking about boys.

The doors shut on my face were also wake-up calls. I can’t have it all. They were hard and made me feel like even how much I work for it, I wasn’t good enough. It taught me that the case was otherwise. We are capable; we are not just ready at the moment (or our branding is inappropriate). Rejections don’t make us any lesser than who we are. But we can be better. Then the setbacks will all make sense in the end—when you soar and realized that everything happens for a reason, even grateful it did.

I let go a lot in 2016. I believe it’s to live lighter and to make room for new things. And 2017 may have caught me overwhelmed, let me share with you the word I received:

“Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will work for you today.”

Exodus 14:13 ESV

Since I had my first major anxiety attack in 2014, I felt how its frequency and severity loosen up. His promises and reassurance have something to do with it. The power of His word is so great, I forgot about my anxiety and that’s how my heart comes to its normal pace again. Receiving the above verse is everything to me.

My favorite day from last sem, in fact, was when I operated from 1 hour of sleep thinking anxiety attack will come any moment, collapse, and ruin my life. But I miraculously didn’t. My report in Psych 101 gone well, attended 3 out of 4 classes when I’m bound to cut them all, add tambay hours to the org I’m applying to, and even make it to Makati for a life-changing event that evening. That day was so full of grace and answered prayers. It’s like I survived through His grace and thrived through His favor: sums up my year.

Here’s to the best 2017 we can get!

#life #newyearsresolution #welcome2017